


Chiral

by sinemoras09



Series: J-19 Omega-12 [2]
Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Dating and Marriage, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Latino Rick, Loss of Virginity, Miscarriage, Porn With Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:55:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22170631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinemoras09/pseuds/sinemoras09
Summary: Twenty years of a relationship, from beginning to end. Doofus Rick/Diane. AU. PWP. No spoilers. Warnings for explicit content and character death.
Relationships: Doofus Rick/Diane Sanchez
Series: J-19 Omega-12 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1618060
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	Chiral

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally a "five times Doofus Rick has sex with Diane," fluffy pwp fic, but then it morphed into this D: I read somewhere that Justin Roiland said that Rick is well-hung, so it made sense to me that Doofus Rick would be as well :x
> 
> A non-explicit version of this fic can be found on FFN [here](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13474346/1/Chiral).

1.

It's the end of a first date, and a young Doofus Rick sits uncertainly on a couch in Diane's apartment.

She's invited him up for a drink, and stupidly he tells her he doesn't really like the taste of alcohol that much, he has to get up early for his latest round of experiments, he doesn't want to waste her time but gosh, he had a really good time with her, he hopes she had a really good time with him. Normally the date would end, Diane thinking, "Well I guess he doesn't like me that much," but this Diane knows better. This Diane steps forward, takes Doofus Rick by the hand, and tells him, "Drinks are euphemisms for sex, dummy."

"I-it is?"

"Yes. Do you want to go upstairs with me or what?"

Now he's sitting on her couch, bouncing his leg awkwardly while she fixes them both a drink - a ginger ale for him, a vodka tonic for her - and after she watches him fiddle with his cup for a little bit, she gives a long suffering sigh and scoots closer, picking his hand up and putting it squarely on her breast.

Doofus Rick blinks. "U-um..."

"You know, most guys would put the soda down by now."

He withdraws his hand tentatively, and while other Dianes would take this as an acute sign of rejection, this Diane shakes her head, then leans forward to kiss him.

It's a nice kiss. Chaste, if not a little awkward. She can feel his soft, dry lips press tentatively against hers, both of his spindly hands coming up to cup her face.

She leans back a little, then unbuttons her shirt.

Doofus Rick stares, breathing a little bit harder, eyes going a little bit wider, as her fingers delicately unbutton her shirt, one button at a time, then slowly pulls off the sleeves. Her bra is red and her pale blonde hair brushes against the line of her clavicles. She sits back and smiles at him.

"Diane...." his good eye follows the curve of her breast, then forces its way back to her face. "Diane. I-I've never...I've never done this before, Diane."

"It's okay," she says, and she presses a soft kiss to his neck. "I'll show you what to do," she says.

He takes a ragged breath. "Y-you really want to do this? W-with someone like me?"

"What do you mean?" Diane says. Her hands rest lightly on his chest as she looks up at him, smiling.

"I mean, I-I'm not....you know. A-and you're..." his words trail off. "You're so beautiful," he says, and she smiles.

"You're sweet," she says. She steps closer, circling her arms around his waist. He exhales, blushing brightly.

"A-are you sure?" he asks again.

She answers by taking his hand on placing it on her breast again. "Yes," she says. He swallows, nervously.

"I-is this okay?" he asks, and his fingers brush over the red bra straps.

"It's okay, take it off," she says, and he gently slides one bra strap down, then the other, his bony fingers lingering over the skin of her shoulder.

"Oh, wow," he says, and he lowers his head against the curve of her shoulder. "Oh, wow, y-y-you're so pretty, Diane."

She feels his fingers undo the bra clasp at her back. The bra goes slack, and she takes it off for him, revealing a freckled chest and pink, pebbled nipples. "You're so, so pretty." He bends down and kisses her collarbone, one tentative hand coming up to thumb a stiffened peak, before gently closing his lips around her nipple.

She sighs and arches, sharp slashes of pleasure making her ache. He lets out a ragged breath and hugs her, the weight of his body ground down between her legs. He's breathing faster now, more shallow, and she can feel the hard knot of his arousal rocking insistently against her clit. She breathes heavily and whispers into his ear. "Let's go to the bedroom," she says. She slips her hand under his shirt, sliding her palm across his chest.

A soft, nervous laugh. "O-okay."

He blushes and stumbles upright, and Diane catches a glimpse of him tenting his pants, before he awkwardly covers his lap with his hand. Lest he gets too embarrassed, she shucks off the rest of her clothes, her bra and pants falling into a messy heap.

She takes both his hands and leads him to the bedroom, walking backward until she backs into the bed. Scooting up onto the mattress, she reaches a hand and grasps the back of his neck, pulling him down until she's lying flush against him.

He lets out a ragged breath, then kisses her hard, wrapping his arms tight around her and instinctively grinding his clothed erection against her naked clit. Their kiss deepens and she feels him grinding harder, his pelvis rocking against her as she strains and tries to feel more of that sensation. Her body jerks, a small jolt of pleasure, as Diane gasps and strains more against him.

He breaks away from their kiss, and to Diane's surprise he's lowering himself, breathing hard and crawling down on the mattress. Pushing her thighs apart, he sinks between her legs and nudges his face against her clit.

Diane gasps, surprised. He spreads her clumsily, then softly nurses the little hood over her clit, flicking the small bud with the tip of his tongue before suckling gently.

Diane cries out, her hand fluttering helplessly before resting on the top of his head. He glances up at her, before closing his eyes again and sucking softly.

Diane's muscles tighten. She gasps and lets out harsh, ragged breaths, her breasts heaving helplessly as her thighs tighten and she pushes her hips harder against his mouth. Her toes point, the muscles in her thighs and calves and buttocks straining, the pleasure rising until her fevered body is struck by lightning, and she orgasms hard, pitching forward and jerking violently.

"Oh, wow." Diane falls back onto the bed, dazed and grinning, breathlessly. Her body is covered in a sheen of sweat, her hair falling in sticky pieces around her face. Doofus Rick smiles shyly and moves up to kiss her. She kisses him softly, cupping his face and smiling into his mouth.

"W-was that okay?" he's looking happy and shy at the same time. Diane exhales and nods, smiling.

"More than okay," she says, happily. He laughs and she reaches up to kiss him again.

He's still clothed, but Diane makes quick work of that. She tugs off his shirt, which catches awkwardly around his football-shaped head, before tossing it onto the ground and going for his pants. She undoes the clasp to his belt buckle, and her eyes widen a fraction when she sees his erection, which is stiff and leaking, pre-cum beading at the tip.

"Wow," Diane says. "You're big."

"Wha- I am?"

"Yeah," Diane says. She licks her lips. "You're really big."

Doofus Rick laughs awkwardly. "No I'm not."

"Yes you are! You're the biggest I've ever seen!"

"R-really?" He has a look on his face, which lies somewhere between embarrassment and total disbelief, like he isn't sure she isn't making fun of him. And if Diane is honest, the picture is pretty ridiculous: Doofus Rick is all bony shoulders and skinny ribs, a Marfanoid awkwardness that belies the spattering of coarse hair beneath his navel and the massive porn star schlong that's rising from a wild thatch of pubic hair. He looks so painfully embarrassed that Diane dips down and takes him into her mouth before he starts thinking she's making fun of him, dipping her head low and hollowing her cheeks as she bobs and sucks him.

"Oh boy." He breathes and leans back, breathing hard. "Oh boy, Diane--"

She pulls up, his penis making a loud popping sound as she pulls him out of her mouth. She catches his eye and grins at him, before taking him back into her mouth.

She feels him throb and he moans softly, eyes closing and soft little noises coming from his throat. His dick engorges, growing heavy and thick with his arousal, and his mouth goes slack and his breathing becomes more ragged. She swirls her tongue around the tip, licking the pre-cum that's slicking around the head, and he breathes softly, a large red blush cracking helplessly across his face. She can tell it feels good to him, and as she takes him deeper, she feels his hips move a fraction, his pelvis rocking a little, his body straining to keep from suddenly thrusting. He lets out a ragged gasp when she pulls up again, wrapping a wet hand around his length.

"Do you want to finish inside me, or in my mouth?" she asks. Doofus Rick laughs nervously.

"U-um! That's, that's....that's an interesting question...."

"Do you want me to suck you off?" her voice is low. She pumps him with her hand, expertly. "Or do you want to put it inside of me?"

"I-i-inside," he says, blushing. Diane grins at him, then leans back.

He still seems unsure, so she grips him by the shoulders and unceremoniously pulls him on top of her. He lands on her with a thud, and they laugh at each other, him embarrassed and her affectionately. They kiss and he slides up against her clit, still outside of her.

She whispers in his ear. "Do you have a condom?"

"Um." He pulls up, shyly. "N-no. I don't. I-I'm sorry--"

"It's okay," she says, quickly. She reaches an arm across his chest and pulls open a drawer from the nightstand. "I bought a pack before our date."

Doofus Rick lets out a startled laugh. "R-really?"

Diane grins at him. "Well yeah."

Doofus Rick ducks his head, smiling. "I-I didn't think we'd actually do this," he says. Diane grins and kisses him, hugging him close.

"I mean, I pretty much made my mind that I'd sleep with you, even before our date," she says.

"Gosh," Doofus Rick says, and he laughs, embarrassed. She smiles fondly at him, then sits up, opening the tin foil square and pulling out the condom.

"Um, Diane...? I...I've never..."

"Oh!" Diane says, and she sits up to help him.

Diane tries to roll it on, but the head of his cock is fat, fatter than the diameter of the condom. "I-is it supposed to be this tight?" Doofus Rick asks. She can see him wince a little.

"Um, hold on," Diane says, and she tugs it down. She's just barely able to roll it to the end, because it doesn't reach the base of his cock, and the fit is so tight that Doofus Rick wilts a little bit.

"Shit," Diane says. Doofus Rick sits up.

"Um...?"

She pulls off the condom.

"Hey," she says, and she kisses him. "How about I just suck you off?"

*****

As it turns out, the condom size they should have used were Magnums.

"See?" Diane says, smiling.

"I told you, you were big."

*****

2.

The first time they have sex without condoms, Doofus Rick's eyes go comically wide.

"Oh boy," he says. He gasps and thrusts, hugging her. "Oh wow. Oh boy--"

Diane laughs into his neck. "What?" she says, laughing.

"I-i-it feels so good, Diane!"

"Oh my god." Diane snorts into his neck. Doofus Rick grins sheepishly. They kiss smiling as he thrusts harder.

*****

They stay at Diane's, mostly because his place is cramped with piles of draft paper and half-finished inventions, several screws and metal pieces strewn all over the floor.

"Where do you sleep?" Diane asks, because his bed is covered by mounds of unfolded laundry and various tools.

"Oh, um." Doofus Rick bounds over to the bed, clumsily. "I-I usually just push everything to the floor, like this." And he sweeps one gangly arm across the bed, pushing everything off. Diane groans good-naturedly.

They kiss in his bed, Diane lying flush on top of him. He sighs quietly as she mouths the side of his neck, and as she moves to kiss him again she slides her hands up around his torso and palms his skinny ribs - he forgets to eat sometimes, too focused on working on his inventions - and she presses a soft kiss against his throat before resting her cheek on his sternum.

She pulls off his shirt, leaning backwards on the bed while he tugs down her skirt and underwear. There's a soft clink of metal as he undoes his belt, pushing his pants down and leaning on top of her. "I-is this okay?" he asks. She feels the blunt head of his erection pressing into her.

She grins and nods against his chest. "Go ahead," she says. He grins happily, then kisses her, pushing up inside her.

His thrusts are slow and gentle, and Diane sighs, rocking her pelvis upward. It feels good. She pants and gasps against his shoulder, soft, desperate little noises escaping her throat, and as she clutches at him, he lets out a ragged breath, thrusting harder and picking up the pace a bit. He wraps his arms tight around her, stroking faster and deeper, when her foot knocks into something hard against the mattress.

"What--" Diane lifts her head out from under him. Her foot had bumped into a tube of draft paper that had been wedged between the bed and the wall. She lets out a laugh. "Rick!"

"S-sorry!" Doofus Rick blushes, still inside her, while he tries to angle his body so he can push the tube off the bed.

"What is this?" she asks, and she lifts her head over his shoulder, looking. He's still lying between her legs and she's pinned down against the mattress by his pelvis, and she tries not to laugh at him when he starts shuffling through the papers.

"I-it's a formula for concentrated dark matter," Doofus Rick says. His voice is breathy and he's still thrusting a little, a few shallow, absent-minded pumps, before pulling out the schematics, showing her. "I-it's just a theory, you know, for interstellar travel."

Diane groans and presses her mouth against his throat, arching her pelvis and pressing her knees insistently against his ribs. "Maybe we can we look at that later?"

"Y-you really want to see this? I-it's all really kind of boring and I'm not even sure about the math--"

"I mean, I'd rather be having sex, but you're pretty focused on those papers."

"Oh!" Doofus Rick says, and Diane laughs affectionately as he starts moving deeper.

They finish having sex, then get ready to go out. Diane brushes her hair and puts on her lipstick, smiling a little as Doofus Rick dresses behind her. She takes him by the hand, and they're about to walk out of the bedroom when Doofus Rick catches their reflection in the mirror. Usually he doesn't particularly care what he looks like, so long as his clothes are clean and his hair is out of his eyes - so it's a shock to him when he finally sees himself, tall and thin and awkward, a beautiful woman holding hands with a ridiculous-looking man.

But Diane catches their reflection the same time he does, and she glances up at him and smiles reassuringly, pulling him close and squeezing his hand.

*****

He's kind and considerate, and devastatingly, remarkably intelligent. One quick glance is all it takes for him to figure out how something works, to dress it down to its barest elements and rebuild something sleeker and leaner. He's handy, fixing her errant plumbing issues or squeaky hinges on rickety doors, and she's only a little surprised when she walks into her apartment and sees him taking out the pipes beneath her sink, explaining the garbage disposal is making a strange sound, he's going to fix it. 

She loves his face. The way he looks at her adoringly, the way he smiles shyly. Some days he looks at her as if he can't quite believe she's with him, and she'll push up on her tip-toes and kiss him, grinning against his mouth. He's tall and gangly and he practically folds in half when he bends down to kiss her, and she loves how warm he feels when he holds her in his arms.

"Ugh, Diane, your boyfriend is a mess," her friends say, crinkling their noses at him. "Jesus. What's up with that awful hair?"

"It's cute," Diane says, and her friends huff and roll their eyes.

She can't explain it. She watches him as he sleeps, his face tucked into her shoulder and smiling quietly. He even smiles in his sleep, she finds, and she fluffs his hair, fondly. Sometimes she'll press soft kisses against his forehead, and he'll smile happily against her, hugging her in his sleep.

And damn if she can't explain how strangely sexy it is, how this shy goofy-looking guy will reach out for her in the middle of the night, kiss her deeply and push up inside her.

*****

3.

"Diane?"

"Hm?"

"W-why are you with me, Diane?"

They had been going for a walk when Doofus Rick had stopped suddenly, people walking around them as he stood and asked her the question. "I don't know," she says, smiling. She takes both his hands in hers, affectionately. "I could ask you the same question, Rick. Why are you with me?"

He ducks his head, embarrassed. "I-I think... maybe because you like me?"

Diane laughs and wraps her arms around his waist, teasingly. "So are you saying, because I'm the only one who likes you, you have to settle for me?"

Doofus Rick's eyes go wide. "N-no, Diane! O-of course not, I-I-I didn't mean it like that--"

She hugs him, smiling. "I'm kidding," she says, and she can see the relief washing over him. She rubs her thumb over his knuckles, considering. "I don't know. You're a good person. That's all that really matters to me."

He smiles, and his eyes turn bright and glassy. 

"Rick," she says, worried. She reaches up to touch his face. "Why are you asking me this?" He smiles at her ruefully.

"I-I was just thinking, you know. Without you, I'd be really lonely."

Diane smiles, then presses a soft kiss against his lips. "Me too," she says, softly.

*****

He's kissing her deeply and breathing hard, moving rhythmically and holding her tight as he thrusts. She's slick and wet and he's hitting a sensitive patch at the front of her walls, her insides slick and engorged and the weight of his body grinding against her clit. She gasps, wrapping her arms around his back as he breathes raggedly and buries his face against the pillow, her own face pressed hotly against his chest. He starts moving with intent, harder and deeper, no longer holding back, until he gasps softly and pulses inside her, letting out ragged, helpless breaths, before resting on top of her.

She squirms beneath him, frustratingly close, rubbing against him until he shifts and moves between her legs, then softly licks her clit until she has her own orgasm, jerking hard while he gently laps and sucks her sensitive nub. They kiss then clean themselves, showering before falling back into bed. She pulls a blanket around them and they curl into each other, Doofus Rick cupping his body against her back.

"Diane?"

His voice is soft. She shifts, sleepily. "Yes?"

"I love you, Diane."

She smiles. "I love you too."

"Do you....do you want to get married, Diane?"

His voice is soft. Shy, unsure.

She furrows her brow and turns to face him. She rests her head against his pillow.

"Did you just....ask me to marry you?" she asks, frowning. Doofus Rick nods, smiling shyly.

She lets out a laugh. "Really?" she says, smiling. He smiles and nods again, scooting closer.

"Will you?" he asks, and she laughs, hugging him.

"I can't believe you just asked me!" she laughs.

"So then, i-is that a yes?"

"Oh my god, Rick, _yes_ , it's a yes!" Diane says. Doofus Rick clasps her hands.

"I-I don't have a ring yet. W-w-w-we can buy one tomorrow," Doofus Rick says earnestly. Diane laughs and kisses his neck.

"I love you," she says, searching his eyes. Doofus Rick starts to cry.

"Rick!" Diane laughs, and then she hugs him, scooting closer in the bed. Doofus Rick sniffs and laughs sheepishly.

"I-I'm just really happy, Diane."

They smile and kiss, and she pulls the covers over them.

*****

4.

He's tinkering in the garage when Diane opens the door.

"Honey, I'm ovulating."

Doofus Rick looks up. His face splits into a happy grin as Diane motions toward him. "Get over here," she says.

He trots over happily, then burrows his face in her neck as he hugs her. "What are you working on?" she asks.

"Nothing really. I-I-I think I figured out a formula for portal fluid, but right now it's all just theoretical."

"Hm." Diane beams up at him, then reaches up to caress his face. "C'mon, honey. These eggs are poppin'."

"O-okay."

He gives her a stupid, goofy grin and she laughs at him, slipping her arms underneath his lab coat to circle his waist.

***

They're kissing in the bedroom when she whispers, "If we have a baby, what do you think we'll have?"

"Gosh, Diane, I-I don't know." His grin slips a notch as she mouths a sensitive spot on his chest. "Oh, geez."

He rolls on top of her. Her fingers thread through his hair as he wraps his arms around her, hugging her body close as he moves inside her.

Trying-to-conceive sex is frenzied, hope-the-time-is-right sex. It's sex in the back of a homemade spaceship because they're too far to make it home in time and they hope to god no one can see them when they hover in autopilot. It's sex sitting up on a workbench in the garage because the thought of having Doofus Rick's baby makes Diane too impatient to wait the thirty seconds it takes to walk inside the house.

It's sad, comforting sex, when Diane has her period again, when she takes a test and finds she's still not pregnant.

*****

He can't stop touching her belly. They sit on the couch and he coos into her belly, grinning happily and nuzzling her bump with his face.

"You're silly," Diane says, and Doofus Rick beams up at her happily.

He goes on errands for her. Ice cream runs and pickle runs, and middle-of-the-night soft pretzel runs. In his free time, he tinkers with his teleportation gun, because if he can teleport to the store, he'd be able to get her those things faster.

*****

When they try for a second child, it doesn't come as easily.

She miscarries twice at home, and then a third time at the OB-GYN's office, ugly crying in a sterile room, because at twelve weeks the ultrasound shows no heartbeat and the doctor has to vacuum the fetus out of her.

Doofus Rick holds her, feeling helpless and inadequate, because for all his genius he can't do anything to help her.

*****

"Rick?"

"Yeah, Diane?"

Her voice is soft. Her eyes are puffy from crying. "I don't want to try anymore, Rick."

Doofus Rick hugs her. "I-it's okay, Diane." He kisses her hair, pressing his hand at the back of her head. "I'm just happy I have my two girls, Diane."

Diane hiccups, then laughs, crying softly. Doofus Rick hugs her and kisses her hair.

(She doesn't go back on birth control; he has a vasectomy instead. It's the only way to make sure she doesn't go through that again.)

*****

5.

"Daddy," six year-old Beth says, as she peers over Doofus Rick's workbench. "Can you make me a dolly with anatomically correct innards?"

Doofus Rick raises his eyebrows. "W-w-w-why would you want that?" he asks.

"Because I want to cut things!" little Beth says.

Diane freaks out when she catches Beth torturing a small rat.

"I didn't kill it, Mommy, it was already dead!" Beth says, pouting. Doofus Rick steers Diane away from her.

He sits Beth on his knee and looks her in the eyes, very seriously. "Sweetie. I-i-it's not good to hurt things."

"I know that, Daddy," Beth chirps. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"Sweetie, I-I heard from the neighbor about what that little boy said," Doofus Rick says. "I-i-is it true you tried to cut him?"

"Because he called me a poopy head!"

"I worry about her," Diane says. She stands at Beth's doorway, watching her sleep. "Rick. She scares the neighborhood kids. Everyone's afraid of her."

Doofus Rick touches her arm.

"Y-you know, Diane, when I was little, I-I didn't really have any friends," Doofus Rick says.

"Yes, but Rick. She _cuts_ things. Doesn't that make you at least a little bit worried?"

"She could, she could become a surgeon," Doofus Rick says.

"A surgeon?" Diane looks at him doubtfully.

"Beth is smart! She could definitely be a surgeon, you know, if she wants."

"But what about all the little boys she beats up?" Diane says. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"She told me they were being mean," Doofus Rick says.

He borrows a few surgical textbooks. It doesn't take long before Doofus Rick commits to memory the details of human anatomy overnight, flipping through the chapters until he's memorized each artery, each innominate vein and errant nerve, the anatomical variants that could be found during routine surgery.

"What's this?" Beth says, and Doofus Rick shows her the Froopyland doll.

"I-i-it's like a homunculus, Beth! Y-y-you could cut it open and practice!"

They go exploring together in Froopyland. He anesthetizes Froopyland creatures, lets her transplant hearts and lungs, reset bones and screw in metal plates with orthopedic tools. Like the other Ricks in the Central Finite Curve, he basically sequesters her: unlike the other Ricks, though, Doofus Rick goes into Froopyland and joins her.

*****

"Rick?"

"Y-yeah, Diane?"

"Beth is asleep," Diane says. She sits with her bare legs curled beneath her on top of the bed. "Do you want to...?"

Doofus Rick breaks out into a huge grin. He trots over to the bed, then hugs her.

They're having sex quietly and furtively beneath the covers, in the dark without any light, when little Beth bursts through the door.

"I had a bad dream!" Beth says, and Doofus Rick startles and Diane shrieks, yanking up the covers.

"Rick didn't you lock the door?!"

"I did!" Doofus Rick says, and they look at Beth and they see her holding a screwdriver in her little hand; she had picked the lock. "Sweetie, did you....did you pick the lock?" Beth sticks out her chin, defiantly.

"Daddy! You and Mommy shouldn't lock the door!"

*****

6.

Beth graduates high school when she turns thirteen, because she's a genius just like her father.

"Mom! Dad! I got into Johns Hopkins and Harvard!" Beth says, and she waves the acceptance letters in front of them.

"I don't know that I want her to go," Diane says later, and Doofus Rick flips through the acceptance letters hesitantly. "I don't like the idea of her living so far away when she's so young."

"I-I mean, we could move. But I-I'm worried it might be too competitive, you know, it might be too much pressure for her."

They tell Beth she's going to a community college, close enough that she can still live at home. "Your father will drive you," Diane says. "When you're older, you can go to Harvard or Johns Hopkins or wherever else you want for medical school. But if you stay here, you can still see all your old friends."

"But it's not fair!" Beth says. She turns to Doofus Rick, plaintively. "Dad! Tell her it's not fair!" But he takes her mom's side, which feels like a betrayal.

"I-it's hard," Doofus Rick says. "I-I went to grad school when I was even younger than you, a-a-and I had a hard time making other friends."

"That's because you're a frickin' dweeb, Dad!"

"Beth!" Diane says. Beth yells dramatically, "I'm never getting into a top tier med school because Dad couldn't make any friends!"

Doofus Rick starts, "Sweetie, u-undergrad doesn't matter, i-i-it's just your test scores and your MCATs--"

"Stop lying to me! I hate you, Dad!" Beth says, because for all her genius she's still a teenager who feels Big Emotions, yelling angrily and slamming her bedroom door.

*****

He embarrasses his teenage daughter on a daily basis. The years go by and their relationship gets worse.

"Dad, what is it with you and that stupid bowl haircut," Beth says, and she cringes visibly when he drops her off and tries to kiss her goodbye in front of her college friends. "Oh my God, Dad, you're so embarrassing," she says, when he tries to bond with her but comes off sounding dorky and confused. "Can't you fix your teeth or put an eyepatch over your lazy eye?" she grouses, because she's seventeen and a brat and has a lot of opinions.

"It's a phase," Diane says, because Doofus Rick's feelings are hurt, he loves his daughter more than anything and she wants nothing to do with him.

Diane finds him sitting in the dark moping by a rainbow river in Froopyland, a thousand twinkling stars glittering in a synthetic night sky above him. "She used to love fishing for Froopy creatures with me," Doofus Rick says, and Diane sees his lower lip start to tremble.

Diane leans back, watching as her husband manfully sniffs back tears in the artificial moonlight. She lifts a hand and fluffs his hair, and he lifts his eyes, smiling ruefully.

"Beth is staying over at Janet's tonight, right?" Diane asks. Janet is one of Beth's high school friends. Doofus Rick nods.

"Y-yeah," he says. "She's helping her with that science project."

Diane grins at him.

The ground is loamy and soft, designed to absorb the impact from accidental falls from the Froopyland cliffsides rising above them. There's a breeze, and in the darkness Diane can feel the tall grasses brushing against her as she leans forward.

They kiss softly, Diane moving onto his lap while Doofus Rick leans forward unsteadily. "Diane?"

"Yeah?" She drops another kiss against his lips, smiling.

"A-am I dorky-looking?"

"Very," Diane says, and she grins and kisses him again.

His hands rest on her waist; she shifts one leg over, bunching up her skirt and pushing down her underwear, before helping him with his belt. The clasp makes a soft clinking sound as they undo it; she leans forward and kisses him again as he tugs off his pants. She sighs and penetrates herself fully, her hands sinking into the soft grass around his shoulders. He's still wearing his shirt and lab coat as he reaches up to unbutton her blouse.

She leans forward onto his chest, and she feels him pinch the clasp of her bra, which snaps open and dangles in the front. His hands slip underneath the dangling cups to gently massage her breasts, his fingers tweaking her nipples while she moves rhythmically above him.

She comes quickly, the weight of her body ground down against her pelvis and the angle of his cock pressed up against a sensitive patch, and as she gasps and jerks she feels his hands sliding up and down her waist, eager to help move her hips faster above him. She finishes her orgasm, and at once she feels his hands guiding her rhythm, feels him thrusting upwards as he breathes raggedly, hurtling toward his own finish. He gasps and comes and she feels him pulsing hard, collapsing on his chest while he hugs her tightly.

"Feeling better?" she asks, smiling. He laughs softly.

"Y-yeah," he says, hugging her. "Thank you."

She grins then cups his cheek, dipping down to kiss him.

Because she's still mostly dressed, it doesn't take long for Diane to straighten herself. She smooths down the wrinkles of her rumpled skirt, runs her fingers through her hair and tugs down her blouse, while her husband stands up awkwardly, still wearing his shirt and labcoat, which flaps over his scrawny legs as he gathers his pants. Diane bites back a laugh as her husband waddles toward the bank of the Froopyland river, then starts rinsing his penis in the rainbow waters, the back of his head looking like a malformed mushroom as he bends forward. He looks so cute and goofy that Diane has to laugh.

"What?" he asks, smiling. Diane laughs.

"You're wearing a lab coat and you're not wearing pants."

"Oh." He grins, sheepishly.

They finish getting dressed, then take a walk down the bank of the river. The moon hangs unnaturally large in the synthetic sky, its blue and white reflection glittering like coins on the rainbow water.

"This is beautiful," Diane says, and Doofus Rick reaches out to hold her hand. She lists sideways against him, and Doofus Rick's face lights up in a goofy grin. Diane laughs softly, and she laces her fingers around his. The night really is beautiful, and she lifts her face toward the cool breeze, the grasses rustling and the surface of the rainbow river glistening like the iridescent sheen of oil.

There's the sound of giggling just at the bottom of the hill.

"Rick? What's that?" Diane says, and they trudge upward. The giggles grow louder as they crest the top of the hill. Doofus Rick stops and Diane's eyes widen:

Beth and a strange boy are making out and necking topless in the grass, rolling around the bottom of the hill.

"Beth?!" Diane charges forward, murder in her eyes as Beth and the boy jerk back.

"Mom?!" Beth grabs her shirt, horrified, while the boy fumbles for his pants.

"I thought you were spending the night at Janet's?!"

"Diane--" Doofus Rick grabs Diane's hand.

"Rick! Our daughter is half-naked, Rick!"

"I-I know, Diane, just, just let her put on her pants--"

"Oh my god, were you spying on me?!" Beth says. "I can't believe it! You guys were _spying_ on me!" Diane starts to charge forward again but Doofus Rick pulls her back.

"Let's, let's just everyone wait a minute a-a-a-and go ahead and get dressed," Doofus Rick says. The boy clears his throat, then sticks out his hand.

"H-hi, Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez, my name is Jerry Smith," the boy says. Beth snaps.

"Goddammit, Jerry, don't be an idiot, my dad's not gonna shake your hand!"

"O-okay, kids. Honey. Let's just...let's just take a deep breath, a-a-and let's talk about it," Doofus Rick says. Diane whirls around.

"Talk about it?! Rick! Your daughter was being _molested_ \--"

"I was not!" Beth says. Doofus Rick looks on helplessly as his girls start shouting at each other, their voices overlapping incomprehensibly.

"Um." Jerry kicks a rock by his foot. "Mr. Sanchez? Um. Is it okay if we go home?"

*****

The car ride home is a silent one.

Despite his looks, Jerry Smith is a college kid, a few years older than Beth and already a senior. Beth didn't tell them because she thought Diane and Doofus Rick would disapprove of their relationship.

Doofus Rick drives Jerry back, because the boy left his car parked outside a McDonald's where he and Beth had started making out; he was rounding the bases but the car was cramped, but Beth just smirked at him slyly and pulled out the glittery chalk from the pocket of her purse.

"I-I'm not mad," Doofus Rick starts, but Jerry yelps and flinches in his car seat. "H-hey, Jerry, i-it's okay. W-w-w-what did you say your name was? Jerry Smith?"

"Y-yes sir, Jerry Smith, sir," Jerry says, and Doofus Rick can tell the boy is terrified.

"Look, I-I'm not going to yell," Doofus Rick says. He glances back at Jerry, then looks back out into the road. "I-I'm not happy about what happened, but I'm smart enough to know i-i-it's better to get to know my daughter's boyfriends instead of having her hide them. I-it was a mistake," Doofus Rick says, and he glances back at Jerry. "I don't like that she lied to us, Jerry. We raised her better than that. But kids do stupid things sometimes. Believe me. I-it's okay."

Jerry wilts under his seatbelt, chastened. "I'm really sorry, Mr. Sanchez."

"Hey, Jerry. I-it's okay."

Jerry looks like he's about to burst into tears.

Doofus Rick drops Jerry off at the parking lot, waving away Jerry's insistent apologies. "A-all I care about is that Beth is happy," Doofus Rick says, and Jerry nods quickly.

The car door shuts. Doofus Rick watches as Jerry waves awkwardly before going to his car. He seems like a good kid.

He pulls into the driveway; it's nighttime and the windows are yellow squares of light against the darkened house. He can hear Diane yelling even as he walks outside.

"Beth, what are you using for protection?!" Diane asks, as Doofus Rick opens the door.

Diane follows Beth from room to room, while Beth moans and groans only the way a know-it-all seventeen year-old does, because Beth already knows everything and oh my god, she doesn't want to _talk_ about this, Mom!, while Doofus Rick trails behind them, helplessly.

"Why didn't you tell me you were sleeping with him?" Diane says. "We need to get you on the pill, Beth Sanchez. Are you at least using condoms?"

"Oh my god, _Mom_..."

"Your Father and I used condoms when we started dating--"

"Mom! I don't want to hear about it, Mom!"

"--because I was being _proactive_ about using protection, Beth Sanchez, I-- don't you roll your eyes at me!" Diane says, following Beth into the bedroom. "When I was your age I made sure I wouldn't get pregnant!"

"That's because Dad was a fucking charity case!" Beth says.

"Charity case?" Doofus Rick echoes, while Diane chases her into the living room.

There's a screaming match, the overdramatic kind with slamming doors and top-of-the-lung yelling that it's none of their business what she does, she loves Jerry, she loves him! while Diane hollers back that she doesn't _care_ if Beth is having sex, she lied to them, she just wants to make sure Beth is using protection.

"I am going to throttle that girl," Diane says. She flops next to Doofus Rick on the couch. Doofus Rick pulls her close and leans her against his shoulder.

"I-i-it's okay, Diane, we'll take her to the doctor tomorrow," Doofus Rick says. Diane pats his leg.

They sit on the couch silently. Upstairs, Beth is on the phone, yelling angrily at whatever young hapless person is sitting on the other end. Beth's voice is muffled; they can't hear exactly what she's saying, but they know she's yelling about them.

"So? Did you read the riot act to that kid?" Diane asks. Doofus Rick shakes his head. Diane starts. "Rick! He was sleeping with our daughter, Rick--"

"I-I know, Diane, but I think it's better to get to know him. I don't want her to sneak around, I-I'd rather it be out in the open."

"I can't believe she called you a charity case," Diane grumbles, wrapping her arms around him. Doofus Rick kisses her temple, rubbing her arm. "How are you so calm about this?" Diane asks. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I-I mean, if we had met earlier, i-i-it could have been us instead of them--"

Diane sighs, tragically. "I hate that you're so logical. I wish you'd kick his ass."

*****

Beth forgets to take her pills. Jerry's spotty when it comes to using condoms.

Doofus Rick is in the garage, working on calibrating one of his inventions, when Beth shuffles up to the door.

"Dad?"

Doofus Rick looks up. Beth is holding her elbow. She isn't looking at him.

"Sweetie. W-what's wrong?"

Beth's eyes fill with tears.

He goes with her to the pharmacy to buy the pregnancy test. Wordlessly they drive back home, and they don't say anything when Beth goes to the bathroom and Doofus Rick sits on the couch, waiting.

Five minutes pass. He hears Beth sobbing in the bathroom.

"Sweetie?" Doofus Rick knocks on the door.

"Dad." Beth is crouched on the linoleum, her face blotchy and red, clutching the positive pregnancy test in her hand. She sobs as Doofus Rick takes the test from her, frowning as he sees the pink plus sign darkening in the test strip window.

Beth sobs. She sobs and Doofus Rick hugs her, pulling her into his chest and pressing a firm hand against her head. He shushes her quietly and rocks her gently.

"I-it's okay, Beth. It's, it's okay. We'll do whatever you want, Beth. W-we'll always support you."

Beth dissolves into fresh tears.

"Mom's gonna kill me," Beth cries, and Doofus Rick smiles ruefully and wipes her eyes.

"I-I'll worry about your mother, sweetie. Don't, don't worry about that."

Beth sobs harder.

Jerry is earnest and apologetic, and Doofus Rick sees how his daughter cringes visibly when Jerry swears up and down that he'll take care of his daughter, he'll take responsibility and marry her. Beth has already weathered the wrath of her mother: hours of shouting, of crushed dreams and palpable disappointment, that Beth finds comfort in her father, who hugs her and tells her no matter what happens, they'll always love her.

A part of him wants to yell at Jerry for knocking her up, for sleeping with her without protection, but he sees the misery in his daughter's face, and knows what's done is already done.

"Do you want to have the baby?" Doofus Rick asks Beth, and Beth nods, silently.

"Okay," he says, and he hugs her.

*****

Diane cries almost as much as Beth did.

"R-Rick?" They're in the bedroom. Diane's eyes are blotchy and her face is red. Doofus Rick opens his mouth to apologize but Diane's already burrowing her head into his chest. He holds her while they lie in bed, and it's only after Diane's sobs grow quiet that he hears her sniffing, softly.

"Where did we go wrong?" Diane asks quietly, and Doofus Rick settles her against his chest, pulling the comforter around them. She sniffs and he strokes her hair, kissing her forehead.

"I-it'll be okay," he says, softly. "Beth is a good girl. A-and we'll support her. We always did want another baby."

"I'm so mad at her!" Diane says. Doofus Rick nods.

"I know."

She starts crying again. "I'm too young to be a grandma!" Diane wails, and Doofus Rick laughs softly, hitching her closer.

"Y-you'll be a hot grandma," Doofus Rick says. He plucks a strand of hair sticking to Diane's face. "A really...pretty grandma."

Diane laughs, hiccuping and sniffing. "This is your fault, you know," she says. Doofus Rick nods, stroking her shoulder.

"Yeah," he says. "I-I know."

Their heads share a pillow. Diane searches his eyes, and Doofus Rick brushes back another strand of hair, then fans his thumb across the wet corners of Diane's eyes. Diane smiles, sniffing, then tilts her head upward, kissing him quietly.

They breathe softly. The sheets rustle as Diane shifts, gently pushing Doofus Rick onto his back as she climbs on top of him. Quietly they kiss and shift their bedclothes, Diane sinking heavily on his erection, kissing and breathing softly.

She's still crying a little when she comes, gasping softly and body quaking on top of him. She's still jerking with a few aftershocks when he gasps and pulses inside her, hugging her tight. Diane leans heavily against his chest, gasping with each contraction. She laughs, gulping back tears and sniffling breathlessly.

"We came at the same time," she says softly, smiling. Doofus Rick grins, embarrassed. She nuzzles his chin. "Something about being pissed off at Beth makes for great sex."

Doofus Rick kisses her and laughs, hugging her. Diane smiles sadly and wipes her eyes.

"You really think she'll be okay?" Diane asks, again. Doofus Rick nods.

"Yeah," he says, and he pulls her close.

"I-I think she's going to be okay."

*****

7.

His inventions lag because he's babysitting baby Summer.

"What are you doing?" Diane asks, as she comes across her husband lying on the couch, lifting baby Summer up and down.

"She likes it! See?" Doofus Rick says, and the baby squeals as Doofus Rick lifts her, giggling happily.

Jerry moves in with Beth after they get married. It's okay - they have the room and it's easier for the baby - but Doofus Rick and Diane have fewer opportunities for privacy. They make love quietly in the bedroom, but are interrupted by the sound of either Beth and Jerry arguing or the baby crying.

*****

He's sitting in the livingroom, playing with baby Summer on his lap, when he overhears his daughter talking to Jerry:

"I don't get why you're so busy," Jerry is saying. "It's just veterinary school. It's not like you're going to medical school."

Doofus Rick lifts his head. He knows Jerry doesn't mean anything by it - the boy is remarkably dense, but he means well and takes direction when he's corrected. Diane told Doofus Rick not to meddle, so he doesn't say anything at first, when Beth says, "What are you saying, Jerry?"

"I'm saying, it's not as if you'll be a real doctor--"

"A-actually, Jerry," Doofus Rick cuts in, because he can see how much the conversation is hurting his daughter, "veterinary school is harder to get into than med school, and when you get down to it, they learn the same things. It's just that they graduate with lower pay and less prestige."

Jerry blinks. "Oh," he says, and then to Beth. "I'm sorry, Beth. I didn't mean to suggest--"

"Whatever, Jerry." Beth doesn't look at him.

She's hunched over a textbook when Doofus Rick knocks on her door.

"Sweetie? Can I come in?"

Beth sighs and closes her textbook. "Did Summer go to sleep?"

"Y-yeah. Your mom is putting her to bed now."

Beth doesn't say anything, so Doofus Rick takes it as an invitation to step around her desk and sit on her bed.

"Dad," Beth says, finally. "Am I a disappointment?"

"What?" Doofus Rick says. "No! Y-y-you're perfect." Beth smiles a little bit at this. Doofus Rick folds his hands.

"I just...I can't believe I got pregnant. And you and mom are stuck taking care of Summer. I'm not even going to be a real doctor."

"Y-you're going to be a horse doctor," Doofus Rick says.

"That sounds even stupider, Dad."

"No, i-i-it's good! You know those zombie apocalypse movies? Doctors always die because they're first in line! It's the veterinarians who survive. I've seen it in other dimensions."

Beth snorts. "So you're telling me by being a vet, I'll be able to weather a zombie apocalypse?"

"Yeah!" Doofus Rick says, and he has such an earnest, hopeful look that Beth shakes her head and starts to laugh.

"You're such a fucking dork, Dad."

*****

He's lying in bed next to Diane when he says, "What do you think about getting the kids a house?"

Diane rolls to face him. "Rick are you serious?" Doofus Rick nods.

"Y-yeah. At the very least, w-we could help them get their own apartment...?"

"What about Jerry's parents?" Diane asks. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"Jerry says they're living in a commune in the middle of the woods. I-I-I don't think they'd be that much help."

Diane considers. She plucks a thread from Doofus Rick's shirt, then smooths down the fabric. "It'd be nice to get some privacy again," Diane says. She looks up at him. "Can we afford it?"

"W-well yeah. Actually, I...I kind of made a lot of money selling aliens some technology--"

"What?! Rick!"

"Nothing bad," Doofus Rick says quickly. "Just some, some artificial limbs, you know, a-a-and a machine harnessing nuclear fission. I-I-I made a bunch of flerbos for the technology."

"And just how much are flerbos in human currency?"

"Um, actually a lot," Doofus Rick says. Diane frowns at him.

*****

"You bought us a house?!" Beth's eyes are wide as Doofus Rick grins at her, carrying baby Summer and looking around. Jerry follows her, dumbstruck, while Doofus Rick rubs the back of his neck and grins, shyly.

"I-I wanted to surprise you," Doofus Rick says, and Beth squeals and hugs him. Jerry frowns at him.

"Mr. Sanchez, this is really nice of you, but..." Jerry looks around. "I don't feel comfortable with this arrangement."

"I-it's okay, Jerry," Doofus Rick says. "It's as much for you kids as it is for Beth's mom and me. You two are newlyweds, it's natural to want some privacy."

"Oh, Dad, were Jerry and I getting in the way?" Beth says. Doofus Rick quickly shakes his head.

"O-o-of course not, Beth! Your mom and I discussed it. The house is a wedding gift."

They move out over the weekend, Doofus Rick helping Jerry pack and assemble a bunch of Ikea furniture.

*****

Doofus Rick is at his workbench, pausing to take a swig from his water bottle, when he hears Diane calling out suggestively: "Oh, Ri-ick."

Diane strikes a pose by the garage doorway, wearing an open robe and nothing underneath.

Doofus Rick sputters and chokes on his water. "Diane?!"

She crooks a finger, grinning wickedly. "Come here."

"But someone, someone might see...."

"No one's going to see, come here," Diane says.

"W-w-w-what if Beth comes by to drop off baby?" Doofus Rick says, as Diane walks toward him.

"Then it serves her right for not calling first."

"Oh boy," Doofus Rick says, blushing. Diane sighs tragically and plops his hands onto her breasts.

"This is our first night alone in years, Rick. Either you come over here or I go use my vibrator on the couch."

"Gosh, Diane," Doofus Rick says, blushing. He rubs his thumbs over her nipples. "I-I'd actually like to see that." Diane laughs happily.

"Good," she says, and she kisses him. "Make sure you use the chain to lock the front door, first."

*****

"Rick?"

"Hm?"

"You're a pretty sexy grandpa," Diane says, smiling. She lies with her head sharing his pillow. He smiles, sleepily.

"You too," he says, softly.

They kiss. It's nice and warm and comfortable, and Diane tucks herself into Doofus Rick's chest, falling asleep.

*****

8.

Months pass, and they settle into a familiar routine.

"Oh, shoot," Diane says. She rummages through the cupboards. "We ran out of baby formula."

"Didn't Beth give us breast milk?" Doofus Rick says. Diane shakes her head.

"She drank all the bottles. Summer'll be waking from her nap, soon. She'll want to take another bottle."

Doofus Rick glances out the window. It's thunderstorming outside and the sky is dark.

"You want me to get it? I-I-I'm almost done with these experiments--"

"No, it's okay, I'll get it," Diane says. She kisses him on the cheek. "Summer's sleeping anyways. No need to interrupt your experiments."

"W-well let me get you the portal gun, it's raining pretty hard--"

"I'll take the car. The buttons are too confusing, you know I hate using the portal gun."

Doofus Rick asks again, "Are you sure? I-I can get the formula, it's raining pretty hard." Diane smiles.

"It's just around the corner. Focus on your experiments. I'll be back, soon."

*****

He hunches over his workbench, losing track of time.

The baby starts crying. Doofus Rick lifts his head, then wanders over to the guest room where they had put Summer's crib.

"Hey, Summer," Doofus Rick says. He picks up the baby and rocks her. "Sorry, sweetie. Grandma's getting you more milk." Outside, the rain is drumming hard against the windowpane; there's a streak of lightning, then the sound of thunder echoing outside.

He opens the fridge and sees one more bottle of breast milk sitting on the shelf. Humming a little, he picks up the bottle and sticks it in the bottle warmer, bouncing Summer a little while he prepares the milk with one hand.

It's still raining. Doofus Rick glances up at the clock while baby Summer nurses on the bottle dreamily. There's probably a lot of traffic, he thinks. He wants to call her, but the driving conditions are probably bad, he doesn't want to distract her. He should have portaled to the store himself instead of making poor Diane drive, and save her the hassle.

Thunder. The lights flicker a little bit, and baby Summer whines against Doofus Rick's chest. He shushes her and strokes her hair.

Hours pass. He gets a call from Beth, who's stuck in class because of the traffic. "Don't worry, sweetie, your Mom and I have her, take your time," Doofus Rick says. He imagines Diane getting irritated and cursing at the traffic.

Evening. The sky is darker now, and the rain has yet to lessen. He feeds baby Summer the rest of the breast milk and puts her to bed, before heating up a pan on the stove. _Diane will probably be hungry_ , he thinks, and he browns a little meat and vegetables in oil, glancing at the clock and at the rain which is now pouring sideways. He's washing dishes when he hears a knock at the door.

"Can, can I help you?" Doofus Rick says. There are two policemen standing on the porch.

"Is this the residence of Ricardo D. Sanchez?"

"Y-yes." Doofus Rick feels his stomach clench. "I-is something wrong?" The policemen glance at each other.

"Is it okay if we come in?"

"W-what's this about?" Doofus Rick says.

"Mr. Sanchez, we have some bad news," one policeman says. And then,

"It's about your wife, Diane Sanchez. We're so sorry. She was in an auto accident. She died while the paramedics were trying to revive her."

*****

9.

It's raining too hard for Beth and Jerry to come over.

The silence on the phone hangs, and then there's a low-pitched wail. Doofus Rick can hear Beth sobbing uncontrollably on the other end of the line, before screaming, " _Mom! Mom! No! Mom!_ "

" _Beth?_ " Jerry's voice comes up behind Beth's sobbing. Doofus Rick hears him take the phone.

" _I'm so sorry_ ," Jerry says.

"I-it's okay," Doofus Rick says. His hand is around the receiver, gripping the phone, tight. "I-it's raining too hard. I can take Summer the rest of the night."

" _Are you sure? Rick, we're coming over--_ "

"Don't drive!" Doofus Rick snaps. He catches himself. He never raises his voice. He takes a breath. "Jerry, buddy. Just stay with Beth, i-it's safer. Summer's almost one, right? I-I'll feed her some solids and a bottle of cow's milk."

" _Rick--_ "

"I-it's fine," Doofus Rick says, and his voice breaks. He quickly wipes his eyes. "Summer's already sleeping anyways, so..." his voice catches on a sob.

There's a long pause on the line. He can practically see Jerry nodding.

" _Alright, Rick_ ," Jerry says. " _But as soon as it stops raining we're coming over._ "

"Th-thanks, buddy. Just...just be safe."

Dully, Doofus Rick hangs up the phone.

The little stew he made is still heating in the skillet. The table is set for two people. Dully, Doofus Rick starts putting away the dishes, then scrapes the food into the trash, before numbly washing the skillet. The thunder rolls and Doofus Rick wanders over to the guest room where baby Summer is sleeping; she's curled up in her sleep sack, her little rosebud lips parted with her deep breathing.

He goes back to the bedroom, then sits heavily on Diane's side of the bed. In the morning, he'll have to go to the morgue to identify her body, make funeral arrangements, and go through her papers. Diane's nightgown is still slung carelessly over the edge of the bed, and Doofus Rick picks it up, clasping it in his hands.

It still smells like her. He squeezes his eyes and doubles over, then quietly starts to cry.

*****

10.

He's sitting at breakfast with Summer and Morty and Beth and Jerry, when a portal suddenly flares open.

"Oh man." A Militia Rick belches, then steps into the kitchen. "So this is the dipshit moron Rick who won't join the fuckin' _urrp_ Citadel?" A few other Militia Ricks appear behind him.

"Ugh, not this again," Jerry says. Doofus Rick holds out a hand.

"I-I already told you Ricks. I-I'm not interested in helping you with your experiments."

"Don't flatter yourself. You _urrp_ think we want to recruit some dipshit-looking buck-toothed Rick? W-w-w-what do you think we are? Blowin' smoke up your lazy-eyed mentally defective ass?"

Doofus Rick sighs. "The J-19s are agreeable a-a-a-and easy to bully, and honestly I-I'm not really interested."

"The J-19s are mostly dead, dip-ass. Fuckin' killed off in all their universes. Y-you're a _urrp_ fucking anomaly because you somehow managed to fucking reproduce. The Council just wants to see what's so special about your stupid ass."

"Maybe he roofied her," another Militia Rick says. The other Militia Ricks snicker and high-five each other.

"Geez Rick, how come all the other versions of you are such assholes?" Morty says. The Militia Ricks snort.

"Hey check it out. His Morty's as dumb as the other ones."

"Grandpa Rick, what the hell's wrong with all your alternates?" Summer says.

"Summer, Morty, language," Doofus Rick says. The other Ricks groan. Jerry stands.

"Hey guys. Fun is fun, but I think it's time to go," Jerry says.

"Yo I told you this was a fucking waste," says a Rick, and he shoots a portal.

"Fuckin' hiding behind a fuckin' Jerry. Jesus Christ."

"Lame," another Rick says. The Ricks step into the portal.

Of all the other J-19s in the Central Finite Curve, Doofus Rick J-19-Omega-12 is the only one who reproduced. But it isn't because he's anyone special. He's just the same as the other J-19s, just as unsure, just as unaware of his own genius. It's really his Diane that was special, a Diane who actually saw him. A Diane who fell in love with him because of who he is.

It makes him sad to think about it. That there were J-19s out there like him whose Dianes didn't care about them.

"You okay, Dad?" Beth says, and Doofus Rick thinks of Diane, thinks of his family and how much they love him.

He smiles and shakes his head.

"Yeah," Doofus Rick says.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the same J-19-Omega-12 Doofus Rick that's featured in the fic, [Alternate](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21795327). Unlike the other Ricks who carry flasks, this Doofus Rick carries a water bottle XDD
> 
> Also: I know in canon Jerry had sex with Beth when she was in high school, but in this AU, because Doofus Rick was her dad, she flourished academically and skipped a bunch of grades, which is why she's in college at 17. 
> 
> Drew some fanart for the fic [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21746755/chapters/53010097) XDD


End file.
